Feverish with Insanity


staring back at you
a broken angel in a padded cell

open hands beyond the padded cell
>>>>Launcelot's Lake: RO Compendium
>>>>Hey Mister Tambourine Man






Feverish with Insanity... in gleaming shades of padded gray and blood red...

Feverish with Insanity
`

3.29.2005

How interesting. I relive this blog. But I'm not as angsty anymore.

Hmm... Lately, I've been lounging in the US, nothing new. I got up a bit early today, a steady sign of my adjustment to the new timeline. I'll update this. ^^ Maybe later tonight.

...and I wept bloodtears.

8.20.2003

LAST MONTH'S POSTS:

I am resting since I have tonsilities. The fever is rising and my muscles are screaming in pain. I have been quite active since Friday and it prolly schocked my exercise-lacking body. I wasn't made for this. And now, I am suffering an excruciating consequence.

My right knee is bruised. Augh. It looks black with all the blood trapped in there. Hm.

Last week, a friend of mine, who severed all contact with me for a whole week, completely robbed me of whatever logic I had in my head. For a whole week, he didn't text me. He didn't respond to my messages in the chatroom. And for the love of God, when I saw him, he opted to run away. As if he didn't see me. I even had to come after him and tap him on the shoulder just to get noticed. I was so frustrated. He was running away from me. That was one action I never expected from a friend.

We talked for a while. And he noticed that my pace was a lot faster than usual. He knew I was angry. He knew the fact that I was affected by his closing all means of communications, which I denied indefinitely.

He apologized. And I forgave him. But his eyes told me that that wasn't the only thing he wanted to say. So we talked once again.

We sat on one of the benches overlooking the Manila Bay. It wasn't the best place to talk since the ground was wet after all the rain. But it was there he confessed that he didn't know where he must place himself in my life.

He said that he was affected by my classmates' thinking of him as my boyfriend. He didn't want to be thought as someone he was not. At that moment, I knew what he wanted to say. And I knew that I could do nothing about it. Who was I to decide?

He continued. He said that there were only two choices. It was either fulfill the thoughts of my classmates or not to see each other often anymore. We both knew we weren't in the position to move onto a relationship we didn't want. We weren't ready to endure another relationship, from which we fear the pain we have sufferend from. One choice ruled over.

With no other choice left, I chose to be bitter. He wanted not to see me often. I suppose it'll be better if he never saw me again.

I was supposed to go home then. And the transportation I was to take was near. When I had decided, I spoke to him.

"There is only one logical thing to do."

I called for the transportation, boarded silently and closed the door. His sad eyes were fixed on me as I boarded the car. I couldn't get myself to look back at him. If I turn back, I knew very well it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

But the fool that I was, I glanced back at him when I had closed the door and the car had started to move. He was staring into space with his sad eyes. He stood like a statue frozen in time, blankly gazing upon the space between him and the air.

He looked so broken. But so did my heart.

I was forced to abandon a friend. But it was our choice nevertheless.

Now, I mourn the loss of a dearest friend. One I learned to love. And one I have left for my own good.

Or so he says.

0902 007016003


~~~

I arrived early in school and now dealing with the devil cold glares that bitch is throwing at me from the other side of the room. Believe me, it's not the best thing to have for breakfast.

My "mommee" in the class just arrived. Yesterday, when I had the worst of my migraine attacks, she was there, suggesting me to see a doctor and check whatever is paining my head. I wasn't able to handle the pain and somewhat found myself banging my head repeatedly against my desk. My teacher was only watching me, somewhat amused at that.

Now, I have a thoughtful lump on the right side of my forehead. *winces*


Last night, my dad had to put me to sleep. It was 6 and I gulped down two tablets of Tylenol. Somewhat that didn't do. I downed another tablet of Biogesic. Soon I wondered if I was going to die of brain cancer or of overdose.

I soon found myself asleep and was awake by 9. The maid was right. I did skip dinner and was forcefed some asparagus soup.

My dad can do some wonderful things when I am in need. He could give me comfort when I feel depressed. And medicine and money when in need. Unlike my mom who seems to have no end in her litanies. I swear, one whole blank tape can never capture one whole sermon.

Definitely, this dull life of mine has its perks. There are the friends. The enemies. And most of all. My dad.

They're the best.

My only life.

0944 007016003

~~~


It is past my usual bedtime but I find myself quite amused by the constant sonud of the frogs in the night. It has been raining constantly today and it somewhat affected my mood.

I've been brooding the whole day and somewhat got the attentino of my friends.

The loss of a soul is the most feared of man. And my friend has mourned this loss. Her eyes bore the pain and it broke my heart that I can do nothing to console her. Upon resignation, I gave the task to her prince that she may find the consolation she seeks.

I never did like feeling so helpless. I despised the emotion that troubles my mind, forcing me to think of the true value of my being.

Am I only a symbol? Or perhaps a stone?

Whatever it may be, I have no use. No one finds me of value.

*sigh* For the past weeks that I haven't blogged, I've been sinking myself into Ragnarok Online, a massively multiplayer online rpg game which the country is raving about. Not a good thing for people with migraine but a good pace for relaxation.

I can't put in any details since my trend of thought seemed to just disappear on me.

I have lost contact with my old friend. I thought I was better off without him. I've lived weeks without him and yet here he comes, asking me if I'd like to go to school with him. Twas a waking moment.

I felt no love for him than I did before. He was merely a friend to me now. And I stood by him because he was in need. I have my life to run. He has his own. He has let me go and so have I.

Recently, some of my classmates have taken the courage to speak up with their foul comments upon the others. There were talk about the "marred" and most of the time, of the well-studied ones. Casually called the "nerds".

For some unfathomable reason, I've been labled one.

I don't particularly understand as to why this is so. I barely sink my head into my books and I get a satisfactory grade. Maybe because I find myself better off than them with or without studying.

I don't particularly care.

***

Trend of thought lost again.

Hm. I suppose I should go to sleep. I have class tomorrow.

I miss the times of old. I shall dream of it and rest with peace reigning in my soul.



...and I wept bloodtears.

7.07.2003

THESE POSTS ARE FOR LAST WEEK:


Minutes ago, I was in my old school and was talking to my teacher. That teacher used to despise me because I was entirely different my classmates. I was a loner and naive. But now, I was welcomed with surprising warmth. A warmth I had always thought, was meant for others.

Two of my batchmates saw me in uniform and were utterly biting back the laughter that was threatening to haul out their along with their tonsils.

Alright. I will try to calm down for a while since my classmates are having a very open conference concerning the "famous" band of F4. But their discussions led to my disgust. They were squealing like pigs being slaughtered. And somewhat, my dislike for F4 separated me from the entire class.

It was frustrating.

I was being discriminated because I was different. Because I didn't like what they did.

So much for the thought of being an individual.

As of now, I am simply amazed by the fact that I am using a keyboard for this. My brother bought a keyboard for us palm users. And I'm having it for the evening.

Anyway, I am texting a friend/suitor of mine. He's been saying some stuff about missing me and all that. But I'm running low on load. I can't text him so much. Not even Kuya Emman.

*sigh* I'm tired. I've traveled from school to school. And believe me, walking in malls leisurely isn't entirely good for the health and the budget. Some things just make you want to spend.

I want to save money to pay up my debt.

Today, I haven't exactly felt that stinging pain in my chest because of a friend. It's a relief but somewhat a burden as well. I've been praying that I do not have to love him anymore. And that I do not have to be hurt anymore by his memory. It's slowly coming through.

Hope, I'd like to talk to you personally. That "angel" business is a long gone thought in my head. Let's just hope it stays gone.

I hate being used. I hate being lied to. Just a point for all who come over my blog.

If anyone comes over anyway.

Hm.

1755 006025003


Tis lunch time and I am having a hard time drinking my juice because I am shivering. I am eating lunch in school (which is completely unnatural since we always eat in the mall) and problemizing about Meteor Garden fanatics.

It has technically been difficult in class since I have three enemies (unpurposely gathered). I have somewhat adopted the word "bruha" as a term of endearment. But some people, my three classmates to be exact, totally misunderstood my affection.

Turns out, they got offended and plotted a most hateful revenge. They hurt my friends in many unimaginable ways. And they knew how difficult it was for me.

In a futile attempt to fix up things, I sent them a letter of apology and a simple declaration of my individuality. But as I said, it was futile. They didn't exactly take the true meaning of my letter. I'd like to guess that they had taken the liberty of ripping the paper to pieces and prolly spit on it before setting it into flames.

It doesn't matter. But I could only wish they would keep my friends out of this. It is most cowardly to involve an enemy's friends into the squabble. If only they had much value with honor and dignity.

*sigh*

I have to end this. I am due for an exam in Logic and in Rizal.

Archer signing out.

1410 007001003


I'm early in school and I'm not feeling well. Migraine caught up with me this morning and the transportation I took was congested. Thank the gods I was still able to breathe.

Wednesday. *sigh* Alex has no class. Kuya Emman has class on my dismissal. Lloyd has no load to text me with. And my suitor/stalker is asking me for a date. *sigh* What am I to do?

Breathe. *breathes deeply and sighs*

I hate Wednesdays. I guess I like Thursdays better.

Tomorrow is sempai's birthday and she doesn't seem so excited about it. I guess her behavior is kinda reasonable since she is turning 19. She has exhausted her days of youth. Now she must move on. Like we all have to.

Sempai, the world isn't so ugly when you find special people. Take heart in them. I still love you sempai. And I believe in you. I'll see you some time, dearest twinstar. And it will be the time when our souls will sing songs of longing.

Namarie.

1009 007002003



It's the middle of the night and I can't seem to get myself to sleep. I have four blog entries in my palm and I haven't had much time to get myself and put it up in my blog.

As of now, I'm feeling a little dizzy since my migraine is at it again and my stomach is churning. Bad ulcer.

*sighs* Tomorrow, I'll be seeing my old friend again. He'll be helping out in making our props for the freshmen initiation. And I'm very hopeful that none of my classmates would be looking after him. I love him still. And I cannot bear the pain of watching him fall with a companion.

I simply do not understand as to why I am so attached to him. He hurt me. He gave me false hope. He dropped me like a hot pan. And yet here I am, suffering because of my love for him. Can I not have a well-deserved rest? My soul is dying with all the pain. I can only hope that I live long enough to move on.

I thought I have forgotten about him. I thought wrong. With one twitch of his memory, everything I felt before has resurfaced. The absentminded smiles. The painful throbbing of my heart. And the memories of all I have lost for him.

I sound like a sap. I know. If only I could whack myself hard enough with a mallet and render myself unconscious, I would prolly be happier in my dreamworld. A world where emotions are of no nuisance.

Breathe. Just breathe.

My blog entries are flooded with my reveries. It's not a very good sign. Lethargy is bad enough. *snorts and rolls eyes* As if anyone cares.

Archer signing out.

0013 007005003


...and I wept bloodtears.

6.29.2003

There. Finished tweaking. I'll upload my stories by next week. Sempai, I've linked up your Hey Mr. Tambourine Man thingie. I thought it's good enough for the public.

Ciao.

Love you all.

...and I wept bloodtears.

I'm trying to fix this. Blogger isn't working well.

*whacks Blogger with universal mallet*

Thank you Akane.

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.25.2003

For yesterday's blog:

Earlier today, I found myself worrying about my father. When I was about to leave for the school, I saw him wrapped tightly in a blanket. I got worried because when I called him, he didn't wake. My father was a very light sleeper. And he doesn't use a blanket.

After that, I met with an old friend and settled matters with my broken heart. By the gods, he once again took me in his arms and kissed me as I sobbed bitterly.

It was then I realized that I have been totally excluded from whatever life he runs now. I was no longer part of his life. He says he still cares. But for me, it matters not. For I have decided.

I will move on. I no longer wish to feel the bitter pain that stings my dying heart when I see my reflection in his glassy eyes.


I am weak. My heart is a frail thing and I have no strength to protect it. All I have is some futile will that wakes me every morning. A will that tells me that I am loved by a multitude of people I have taken for granted.

That was the greatest mistake I have ever committed.

Last night, I texted a good friend and almost begged her to call me. Minutes later, the phone rang. We talked for more than an hour. I was able to speak of the pain in my chest.

It was last night that I learned, that she was talking to my sempai concerning a friend. I was unknowingly being taken care of. And I had no idea.

I felt so foolish and relieved at the same time. But my heart throbbed more of regret. I was cruel to my friends. And here they were, worrying about me.

I extend my thanks to all my friends. You have been the best. And I beg God that He give me the right to keep you all as my dearest treasures.


I bid you, good night.

2233 006023003

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.23.2003

I certainly don't understand as to why I am feeling so down today. I've deliberately tried to get myself to like my dad but he's really not helping it.

The first week of college has been quite rough. But I kinda like it. As for some people who have been completely ignoring me, I guess I'm taking a time off. I'm closing all doors and windows and will now live in solitude.

No time for that stupid love.

I guess I'm just going to punish myself for being weak.

No one visits this damned page anyway. I'm closing this down in a few weeks. Like anyone cares.


Good bye.

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.19.2003

HASH(0x846826c)
What's Your Outlook on Life?

brought to you by Quizilla


One quizzy.

Good night.

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.18.2003

Hmm... I'm tired after school... I'm kinda dizzy too.

Yesterday, we were given an assignment and I spent the whole day in the library, looking for it with my classmates. Gawd... if this is just an assignment, what more with a project!? *sigh* My head is aching. My feet hurt. The heels are really killing me.

*sighs again* I've met a lot of friends already. And it seems to me I'll be seeing all the same people for... all four years?! Gawd... T_T

Anyways, here's a short quiz.


Which HP Kid Are You?


Oh my gawd!!??!?!?!?!? *pauses*

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*huff puff* ... *sigh* No. T_T

I'm off to do some homework. Ciao.

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.16.2003

I am currently in an internet cafe and waiting for my friend to give me his sked. Hmm... It's pretty quiet here.

First day of school today and all we had were pretty much speeches about the lousy regulation and also some perks about being Paulinian. And a nurse.

I never did understand the real reason why I took that damned course. Prolly cause my mom was pushing me up the wall about it. And it's prolly the only honored job in the US that I could get. T_T I hate this life.

Life in this world is always filled with the absolute plays of fate. T_T Sometimes fate will bless you with souls that speak of salvation. Then sometimes fate will send all walls crashing down on you, leaving you with nothing but pain.

I never did understand.

And I know someday....

One of this days, fate will kill me with its bare hands.

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.13.2003

I feel so goddamn fucking cynical. Hmph. No one loves me.

Fuck it all.

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.11.2003

Two days ago, I met with my "brother", Kuya Emman (haha special mention). He helped me go through what some people may say is, a phase in life. One which is extremely difficult for the ones who are so used to being loved with an intensity. We talked, drank coffee(gawd, so much like adults) and also talked.

I'm very happy right now. For a number of reasons actually.

Reason #1: I met my oniichan.

Reason #2: I met "him" again... and fixed up things.

Reason #3: There was no problem at all... It was just "him" trying to fix up his studies so he can't balance his time with me.

Reason #4: I'm going to see oniichan again! bwa ha ha ha ha

Reason #5: I am sick.

Wait... I'm not making any sense today...

I've been trying to write down whatever happened last June 10. But I'm not done yet. I'll post it when I'm done. I can't get caught writing at 2 AM. hehehe I'm such an insomniac. Oh well.. ciao!

Sempai: Thank you so much for the lengthy email/lecture/word of advice. ^_^ It really helped. I love ya!

...and I wept bloodtears.

I'm quiz happy again.


Which Harry Potter Marauder Are You?

What's that? Anyone have an idea?

armand
Armand


What Anne Rice vampire would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla


LOL Armand!? hhahaha Antonio Banderas. Kewl.

ice
Your an ice spirit. Your very deep in your own
ways, and very intellectual. Although some
people may define you as crazy. You usually
like to be alone and probably only have a few
close freinds.


What kind of myth should you be?(for girls only)
brought to you by Quizilla


Evil... T_T


You are Igraine, the mother of King Arthur. You go
with the flow, never putting yourself before
others. Igraine lived by her duty whether it
was to her crown, her husband, or her country.


Which Lady of Camelot Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ahhrrmm....

T_T

Me not queenly.

tranfiguration
You excel at Transfiguration. One of the most
dificult classes, you seem to be a natural at
turning a coke bottle into a homework pass.


Which Class at Hogwarts Would You Excel at?
brought to you by Quizilla

OOh... i like :D

Ciao.

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.08.2003


It is Sunday morning and I came home from church early. I had to go. I can't hold on to my tears much longer.

Last night, my... he came home from his province and wanted to talk. I was so delighted to hear from him. But when I said that I loved him, he didn't reply. It was then that I realized, something in him has changed. There was some other voice singing along his, telling me that something burdened him.

So true, it was.

He said that he could hurt me no longer. That I have to give my love to another for he was undeserving of such. He confessed that he loved me though not enough to reciprocate my love for him.

Speaking of this brings tears to my eyes. My bitter sobs for the past two nights seemed inadequate for the pain that I feel now. If only my pillow could speak, he would scold for drenching him with my salty tears.

So now, I search for ones I can lean on. One is in Canada. Another is in Australia. My best friend, Crissy, I cannot call since her phone is busy. Altheo, I have no contact. Lloyd, my other best friend, is becoming distant and not the best to talk to since he 'trained' himself to get rid of emotions. My dear friend and older brother, Emman, I fear to speak with for he might fear me as all friends have.

I do not really know what to feel right now. But it is true that lethargy is not good for anyone.

Especially me.

***

I wrote this weeks ago. I don't think this is applicable anymore.

***

Beautiful Dreams


A long time ago, there was a little girl who never believed in fairy tales. Every time she would hear of Snow White or Cinderella, her face would twist into that of disgust. This frustrated all of her friends and drove them all away.

She cried when she knew that she had no friends. She only wanted to have someone who respected her ideas and not call her names because of that.

She cried and cried until she grew up numb and angry. She was alone until one day, a boy her age came up to her and asked, "Do you believe in fairy tales?"

When she said no, he smiled and sat beside her. This puzzled her and she asked why he didn't go away.

"Because I see you're lonely."

They became best of friends and eventually, they lived happily ever after.

***

That was our fairy tale. The only one I believed in. Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty spoke too much of high hopes and dreams coming true. It was most improbable in my world of misery.

It has been more than a week after my beloved left me to my own life. It was the most difficult and trying event in my life. He has shown me everything there is to see in life. Everything he could do, he has done for me. Add to that, letting me fly with my own wings.

He had said as he left, to see more than he had shown. That I am free to learn on my own. That I take care of myself.

Will I be able to take care of myself if the last few threads of my sanity have been severed? You have put in my hands a lifelong task. The "holy grail" of my life. And you, my King Arthur.

As I battle the monsters that are my fears, I keep faith in my love for you. I take heart in the dream that is you.

I believe in our fairy tale.

My thread of hope. One I weave into my beautiful dreams.

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.05.2003


My parents brought me to an ophthalmologist earlier today. After examining me, he said I have astigmatism and I don't need to wear glasses.

YAHOOOOOOO!!!

The best news I've heard all day. PhiRO is online and running so I've got plenty to do. : )

As of now, I'm listening to the background music of Ragnarok Online. It's beautiful. Mesmerzing. AND FREE.

I love that part. It's free of charge. *evil grin*

Anyway, thinking of an evil way to torment the LOTR characters, I thought I had the perfect idea. I'll start working on it tomorrow.

As of now, I'm trying to get myself inspire/sleepy/tired while texting a friend.

Angel, come home? I miss you... and I love you still.

So many people have come to my world yet I wait for you...

I love you. Please torment me no more...

006005003

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.03.2003


It is night again and I have done nothing productive all throughout the day. I haven't found myself as a productive being.

It is true, I dwell upon the same things all the time. It is true that I have done naught to help myself.

I've been trying to do some papier tole but my hands are shaking. I'm trying some office work but my eyes aren't helping. And my parents refuse to take me to the eye doctor.

What am I to do?

It was only today that I have learned how to post the quizzes I have taken online. Gawd, how stupid of me. It was only a simple copy-and-paste procedure, and I had found out just today.

*whacks self chemistry book* Oh-kay. Am officially dizzy now. Phew. I guess I should go rest now.

Bai bai.

*passes out*

006003003

...and I wept bloodtears.

Elegant Anthy and Chuchu
Anthy. You are Anthy, the quiet and mysterious Rose
Bride. You like doing things for others, but
you sometimes feel trapped within the world's
cage. And if your prince doesn't show up to
save you, you might have to learn to break out
on your own.

Freedom is worth every drop of blood it takes to
get there.


Which Revolutionary Girl Utena Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


This is kinda addicting! *sweatdrops and whacks self with mallet*

Not good.

*runs off*

...and I wept bloodtears.

Fuuma
You're Fuuma!


Which Clamp X Angel Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Oh-kay... Wasn't I supposed be the other way around?

...and I wept bloodtears.

You are maroon. You represent cunning stength, but usually a manipulative power evolves from it. You are vengeful and impure, and have nearly lost all hope at become beautiful inside again.

What inner color are you?



WHAT IN THE THREE WORLDS!?!??? T_T *gets really freaked out*

Moon Goddess
Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks
about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty,
right?


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla


Oh-kay... This is getting out of hand... *sweatdrops* ...

*hides under blanket*

...and I wept bloodtears.

Ooohh... quiz happy.

Ah, Prissy Legolas
Prissy Leoglas


What Lord of the Rings Male and Mood Do You Desire?
brought to you by Quizilla

ew.... T_T


You're Sumeragi Subaru!
Angst, betrayal, and perhaps large floating sakura petals seem to follow you everywhere. And yet, through all the psychological anguish that characterizes your life, you still manage to be so much prettier than everyone else. Don't trust tall, dark and handsome men in sunglasses, no matter how sexy they may be.
Which Dragon of Heaven are you?
Quiz by Kerianne



What the...? T_T *grumbles incoherently*

Hmm.. I'll go look muna.

...and I wept bloodtears.

depressed timid sad
Are you alright? You probably hear that alot even
if you aren't depressed. Smile once in a while,
it's not going to kill you.


How do people see you?
brought to you by Quizilla

...and I wept bloodtears.

6.02.2003


It is night and I find myself crying for help. My heart is failing me. I am begging all those who hear this tortured soul. I cannot move on... Not like this...

I have dwelled upon the dark memories of late. The ones I dared not speak of. They have become the persistent voices in my head. The thoughts that torment me to no end.

This is my curse.

I beg you, help me...

Save me from my self-imposed prison. I live in a friggin fantasy and I am so sick and tired of hearing the same reassuring words all the time.

THAT IS ENOUGH!! HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED AT ALL!? YOU HAVE COME TO HURT YOURSELF AND OTHERS. AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A WORTHY FRIEND. YOU ARE A SICK BITCH WHO CARES NOT OF ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS SELFISH PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT! YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANY MORE THAN HATE. YOU WERE BORN HATED... AND YOU WILL LIVE AND DIE HATED.

That voice speaks the truth does he not?

006002003

...and I wept bloodtears.

5.29.2003

Sorry if I haven't been posting. Ragnarok Online has gotten me addicted and I'm trying to step out of it. Someone claims he has fallen for me and I can't let it continue. I still love my angel...

I am having a hard time with one of my friend after he has declared the intention of trying to win my love. He is selfish but so much like me. I let do such for I wanted to teach him a lesson. I don't want him to be blinded as I have been.

But as I have spoken of my intentions, I know I will be misunderstood.


I am now shivering and wondering in which era I can get my eyes checked for the last time. I am getting quite impatient since my headaches have been quite rampant.

I've been checking other people's blogs lately. And it seems to me, I am the least productive. I have done nothing to really help myself.

Maybe I'm a real lifr bum. I hope not. I have a future to build yet.

A dream to fulfill.

A life to save.

005029003 0041 hours

...and I wept bloodtears.

5.14.2003

005014003 1356 hours

I am currently in my dentist's office while waiting for my mom. Minutes ago, I was contemplating whether I was going to send a "Happy Monthsary" greeting to my angel. But I just remembered... he did let go of me. That if I did greet him, it will not be welcomed.

Maybe he truly meant to help me by letting me go. I confess, I loved him blindly. And I have regarded him more than my family. I was quite immature. And he wanted me to grow.

On a lighter note, I am currently on a gamefest with Ragnarok Online. It's a cute rpg and it looks anime-ish.

I've been having much trouble with my driving instructor. For two days now, he has been treating me to a glass of buko or coconut juice and some quail eggs. I have been refusing his offers but he forces the glass to my hand. Augh... And he can't seem to get his hand off my shoulder.

Oh if I am able to get away with it, I'd tie him up and dump him in the car trunk where will rot for the rest of his life.

*huff puff* Breathe.

I've somewhat grown to hate myself. I'm not helping myself either.

...and I wept bloodtears.

5.11.2003

I had my first driving lesson today. I'm doing well... though I couldn't seem to estimate my distance from a car adjacent to me. I can't seem to turn back as much as possible.

But the instructor is soooo annoying!!! He's flirting with me! Auuuggggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

T_T

And then the other day, my mom and I was in a jeepney and there was this maniac right beside me. He was trying to put an arm over my shoulder and my mom didn't even care!? And she gives me a fscking sermon inside the train!? Isn't that a little bit too scandalizing!?

*kicks computer out the window*

So much for trying to put up much of my dignity. And I thought that our mothers were supposed to protect us. Mine clearly doesn't care at all...

I hate myself...

...and I wept bloodtears.

5.10.2003

I baked some cookies today.... *sigh* Really... I've never felt so bored in my life. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I haven't got any card for my mom. T_T

I feel sooo helpless.

I'm too depressed to post.... sorry.

...and I wept bloodtears.

5.09.2003

I'm tired after having my x-ray. My arms hurt. And I saw my angel again...

And for the last time, I will be blessed with his kiss... a tender kiss I have looked for all my life...

I love you dearest angel... Go back to heaven and think naught of me...

...and I wept bloodtears.

5.08.2003

I've written something last night. Hopefully it's doing well... I've poured most of my sorrow into this. I don't need arguments concerning this. Thess are my thoughts. Thoughts I have long buried within my soul. Thoughts I have not dared say. For I knew an argument caused by this isn't really going anywhere. I love you dearest angel...

Freedom With You

I stared at the night sky, pondering the darkest of thoughts with the last strength I could muster. I didn't feel sad at all. I didn't cry. I was just too tired of everything, I hadn't noticed I have become numb.

And here I lie, absentmindedly swimming in a pool of my own blood. I didn't care. It all meant that my time has come. My life in the light has ended. And I have come to accept that, save for a few questions that run in my disquieted mind.

How can you say that you love me, when you can spare a kiss for another? How can you say that there was not a moment that you stopped loving me when you had much opportunity to fall for another?

Perchance you may say that my words are dripping with jealousy. But that is not what exactly what I feel. It is merely the fear that you might do something that is against your words to me. I fear being alone. I fear being hurt. But ultimately, I fear being left behind by you. I fear getting hurt because of you.

Now that you have chosen us to be apart, have I recalled the closest moments we have shared. Those were the times of loss and healing. And those were the times when I thought that our love would not end. It seemed all like a fulfilled dream, and I was unwilling to let go. Not unless you wished otherwise.

I recall touching your soft cheek, and you would lean your head against my hand. It made me wonder how it felt. You seemed to wish more of my touch. I wanted to know how you feel. But you wouldn't tell. You would just smile and take me in your arms.

All those memories seemed magical to me. But you, angel, was so used to such. You were my very first love. And the very first to break my heart.

I coughed, the coppery taste of blood stinging my tongue. I am dying of sorrow. And within a few days, you will be returning to your heaven, dearest angel. But whether or not you have left me, I will offer my love you. Till I let go of my last breath...

My last...




...and I wept bloodtears.

It is 10:00 PM. My head is throbbing in pain... The ones I have wished to talk to have not come.

It makes me feel so alone... I know they have a purpose for such but somewhat my heart bears an even heavier burden. When I was a child, my mom realized that I always looked for someone to play with. Someone to be with for the most of the day. But none of them seemed to be able to fulfill that childhood desire. My mother and father were at work. My brothers in school. And the only ones I am stuck with are the maids, forced to divide their time between work and play. Playing with me. Me. The youngest in the household, and the hardest to satisfy.

For days now, I have lamented the loss of my dearest angel... and moments ago... he spoke to me, saying that I must not think that he has left me. He said it was for my own good.

Is being alone, pondering like this, for my own good? You have spoken to me once before... I must not be left alone, dwelling on matters not of consequence. You said you will be there to keep those thoughts away. Where are you now?

I am sick right now... I am in pain... but I must be left alone in this house. I must be left alone with the dogs. Or yet again, with the maids. Have you no other place for me than here?

It scares me that I must live with silence all my life. Not a single moment of mirth. Not a single moment of peace.

And I still do pray that I am loved...

...and I wept bloodtears.

I just had my tetanus and MMR shots today. And I am due for a fever break in five days. Kewlies...

I found some really nice hilarious fics up www.fanfiction.net. There were some about Aragorn having a cold and Legolas struggling to keep him at bay. There's another that's plain crazy. T_T It's fun reading all these fics. :) Try it yourself.

I'm trying my best to get some words out of my head. I long for my old darker writings. As for now, they're all too depressed and stuff. Now I remember why my 3rd year hs adviser asked my mom where did I get those "horrifying" ideas. *sniffles* They're not "horrifying". They're what I feel about everything... Everything I see... Everything I experience.

This is turning to a rant.

...

Wait! This is a blog! a.k.a. a rant page! *just figured that out now* Oh.

Oh well... Ja!

*bounces away*

...and I wept bloodtears.